date posted: 2024-04-16
word count: 328 words
themes: idols (keyakizaka46)
notes: i wrote this last night and it kinda sucks anyway listen to kuroi hitsuji
elsewhere: superlove
download: pdf (455.1 kb), epub (517 kb)
keyakizaka46 asked,
in their final moments,
center-less and unfocused,
but determined,
'who will ring the bell?'
'bear such a heavy responsibility?'
and they cry that out in my ears
that endless self-assertion
self-determination
is 'nothing but noise'
i think there's something brave
in being able to sing at your own funeral
to dance and perform for your fading fans
in the same jackets you performed funeral songs to
the funeral of your own center
cradled in the middle
isolated
curled into herself
into her forest green jacket
as the rest of you lay like shrubs nestled next to each other
a field you all created
one solitary leaf in the middle
rustled and crunched and torn
'when will our bell ring?' they ask
but they knew, didn't they
the moment hirate left,
that was their bell ringing,
the end of them
idols must know when their time is up
but to know as a group is a special kind of horror
i can only assume
i don't perform my life for others
but sometimes it feels like i do
when i feel aimless
when i feel like everything is dragging pointlessly forward
and i remember being bright eyed and happy
as i got into idols for the first time
and saw hirate's face
determined and assertive and pensive
and i cried out to myself when she announced her departure
because i didn't know her long
but it felt like an eternity through their music alone
and i write this down now
because i wonder
when my bell will toll
and if it will be on my own terms
or if those are just the lucky ones
and i wonder now,
does anyone have to ring the bell?
do we have to meet our ends on such sad terms?
i guess maybe not from outside the industry
but it's a sad fate to think about
sad enough to write about a song
for the funeral of an idol group