i am my mother's only one
it's enough
i wear my garment so it shows
now you know
shadow swallows my reflection
mother, i see nothing at all
the moon
belly full of light
all big and bright
alone in the sky
alone as i
you had a new dream, it was more like a nightmare
you were just a little kid and they cut your hair
then they stuck you in machines, you came so close to dying
they should have listened, they thought that you were lying
daddy was an asshole, he fucked you up
built the gears in your head, now he greases them up
and no one paid attention when you just stopped eating
eighty-seven pounds and this all bears repeating
i write things like "die" on the bathroom tiles
then wash it away with water
if i properly wash it away
tomorrow i'll go and buy a party dress with the money i got from that old man
i am me, i have a heart!
i have a heart!
i have a heart!
i have a heart!
feels like i′ve got the holy ghost
feels like i've got the holy ghost
i′m losing all my, i'm losing all my control
i feel you in my, i feel you in my
i feel you in my dreams
i see you in my, i see you in my
i see you in my dreams
bless me father, bless me father, for i have sinned, ugh
red red roses
help me baby, listen to me, listen to me, tell them baby
red whole rose
help me baby
don't you know?
i question your innocence
she took me to the shadows
she gave me back my name
upon the twilight, we did dance
flirted again with fame
so i hold my riding crop
i'm whipping myself sane
the moth, she did her dance, she did
and lost her grip again
now she's shrivelled, she's all dried up
lost upon the flame
into the river, i did jump
this time, i'm not to blame
they pulled me from the broiling swamp
washed me in the rain
the ones who bit the pill, oh, yes
to fall asleep again
the vodka gave me courage
and took away the blame
a wicked fever brought by
gnats of shape unknown
the boy, sun-tanned legs stretching from his breeches,
receives it through his legs, and is bedridden.
father said that to sweat a lot is good,
and put many layers of underwear on me beneath my kimono
the pears i ate inside the futon, which seemed be boiling, were delicious.
but just staying motionless has its own great hardships.
i should not be praised, and i should not receive any tips.
(hahaha. this is a joke.)
i want to get better soon.
a casual glance reveals the pests by my pillow from last night have dried up.
his fever never went down.
the devil's awake now
he's the prince of the earth now
i can hear every thought, every sound, every rock
every ground, every creak in the earth now
and he's pleading with me
tries to bring forth who he thinks i should be
root of all evil and it's seed is in me
i drift away, and when need i'm asleep and
he tells me to drive, blinded to the elm of the night
gonna show you what it means to be real
i want you to peel 'til you tear from inside
and i dance with a thought
feels so good that i dance to the dark
side of myself and it tears me apart
'til it becomes the bass and the snare in my heart
he said starve on it
feel it 'til you die for it
you can run run, but you never ever hide from it
now spit that blade
pick it up, now take that blade
don't trip, put it onto your skin
you can slowly stick it in
you can take my face
you can take my shape
baby girl, you gon be just like me
matter fact everything that you touch
they gon fill you in your guts, you a poison ivy
don't run, don't hide
don't scream, don't ask for god
cause he can't help you now
from here out you are mine
and i scream so loud
but he took my voice so he comes out
i only smile in the dark
my only comfort is the night gone black
i didn't accidentally tell you that
i'm only happy when it rains
you'll get the message by the time i'm through
when i complain about me and you
i'm only happy when it rains
(is she a femme fatale?)
that's what she wants you to think
the paint's peeling off the streets again
and i'll drive and close my eyes in michigan
and i feel nothing, not brave
it's a hard day for breathing again
the heat is chasing off all your friends
and their scattered bodies part to the shore again
and i feel nothing, not sane
it's a hard day for dreaming again
everything's just kind of a pain in the ass
how should i kill that bastard
spring of 2009, in a night with pouring rain
things like that were all i thought about
and you're bad at hiding your frustrations
someday soon you'll try to escape this
and it's true what they have all been saying
you keep falling in love with a bad situation
(how many stops till we get off?)
falling in love with a bad situation
(how many stops till we get)
you're immeasurable
not inaudible
you'll soon embrace this
it's inevitable
tonight i'm screaming like an animal oh ho
tonight i'm losing control
tonight i'm screaming like an animal oh ho
tonight i'm getting so low
and all i want
is to be with you again
and all i want
is to hold you like a dog
you don't love me
but you still don't leave me
from the day i swallowed the black fruit you presented to me
my bare days turned gray forever
i don't love you
but i can't leave you forever
from the day i took out the black fruit i swallowed sweetly
my bare days turned gray forever
i couldn't even cry
so i keep living
so that the rest of your life becomes more and more unhappy
i tried to hold you in my arms, but
in the end, you are just in my mind
i did endure like grim death, but
in the end, you are forever in my mind
you leave your every sadness behind here and
in your perfect world
fly freely
you make me leave alone in the world
and fly away, but look at me leisurely
and i claim i'm not excited
with my life anymore
so i blame this town, this job
these friends... the truth is it's myself
and i'm trying to understand
myself and pinpoint who i am
when i finally get it figured out
i've changed the whole damn plan
talking shit about a pretty sunset
blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon
changed my mind so much i can't even trust it
my mind changed me so much i can't even trust myself
if you fall in, i'll jump down
and touch your face while we're both sinking, stinking, thinking
we won't drown
you are my friend
and what we're doing's too important
for our lives to end quite yet
dreamt of a wave
washing over me
dreamt of a wave
well i think i thought i did
the wave was not water
the flesh and blood and bone
came into me and out of me
forsaking every law
though in time has not changed us all
the room itself, it is breathing
we forever are chained
in what we have done, we have won
we have given to the spirits here
who still call upon me say
suffer so that we may live
so, come
all the saints come down
i wish they would now
i wish they would now
for us
all the girls have gathered ‘round now
they’re staring (staring at)
the stars as they start to go out
one by one you will line them all up
you will make a toast (make a toast)
to others who’ve not given up
and we laugh when you choke
we will drag you to the desert
so you’re burnt and you’re broke
and your wife will draw straws
for the next on the list
one by one they’ll bicker
while the stars they still (the stars they still)
the stars they still exist
it’s exactly this that drives us to be mad
we’re not quite sure what we’ve had
you won’t want to miss this part
we’ll slip into our hunting hats and wait
around the house and when we pray
we’ll ask for mercy for our sins
and all the things we never did alone
i wait for my husband to get home
and when the cops ask me the reason
i will say i don’t really know
‘cause we’re all in the shit for sure
and i love to feel your fingers up my skirt
‘cause we’re all in the shit for sure
and i love to feel your fingers up my skirt
up my skirt
in the desert we will dirty our hands till they’re clean
and in our beds we’ll watch our heads explode before we dream
we'll stop to rest on the moon
and we'll make a fire
i'll steal a carcass for you
then feed off the virus
'cause you're my girl and that's all right
if you sting me i won't mind
'cause you're my girl and that's all right
if you sting me i won't mind
and now look at 'em, look at 'em now, look at 'em sting
i'm laying down, eating snow
my fur is hot, my tongue is cold
on a bed of spider web
i think of how to change myself
uncover our heads and reveal our souls
we were hungry before we were born
it's been a while since i've thought about it
maybe it's time to communicate
i was sad then to think about it
the fact i still can't forget about it
i don't want your sympathy
i guess i've had it rough
but you don't really
care, care, care, yeah
care, care, care, yeah
care, care, care, yeah
oh, by the way
i'm still the same, i'm still the same
but are you the same?
i’m predisposed to fail as fast as i can
with a name that’s been faded with the falling of man
it’s a meaning but i mean it, or i said so, i said so
i’d like to think that i’m so sane and sincere
but i speak in harmonics that i know you can hear
when naivety and exclusivity break me
then you say to me
you say
wait
wait
wait
i’m still the same brat
call me when you get back
sometimes
i think i'm doing fine, i think i'm pretty smart
i'm quite convinced that i can keep myself apart
oh, then the walls become thin
and somebody gets in, i'm defenseless
but it won't happen again
it probably won't happen again
i wanna risk going through
future heartbreak
future headaches
wide-eyed nights late-lying awake
with future cold shakes
from stupid mistakes
future me hates me for
hates me for
temporary fleeting thrills
keep me bruised and make me ill
my skin has lavender tones
tell me i'm a loaded gun
tie me up and come undone
i can cover it up, i can cover it up
i can cover it up, i can cover it
i know i'm out of my depth, but i just float in it
i'm trying to do my best, stop picking fights with it
i wanna be upset, you're not alright with it
i can cover it up, i can cover it
i'm trying to speak my mind, wish it was by design
but i can only confess to having doubts with it
don't wanna feel regret, i'm not alright with it
i can cover it up, i can cover it
ain't it fun? ain't it fun?
baby, now you're one of us
ain't it fun? ain't it fun?
ain't it fun?
get back in town
i wanna paint it black
i wanna get around
easy living crowd, so flat
said it all before
they try to kick it, their feet fall asleep
i want to be wrong
but no one here wants to fight me like you do
combat baby
come back, baby
fight off the lethargy
don't go quietly
combat baby
said you would never give up easy
combat baby, come back
i try to be so nice
compromise
who gets it good?
i'm on the wild side, baby
play with wildfire, baby
lose your head
get on the wild side
come play with wildfire
look who's talking
you're a prime suspect
i'm looking at a dead man walking
we play with darts and pierce their hearts with poison
if you fuck with me, one, two, three, heed my warning
warning, warning
fuck your clique
bow to the freaks
i'd rather be just crazy
shit luck, shift the clutch
got myself stuck in sand
constant nicks and cuts
on my feet and hands
i fold
like i did at the piano when i was 8 years old
it's a long way to be fine
better wait till hell freezes over
and she said i wanna break it anyway
and she said i wanna break it anyway
even if
even if
i've been away, but i haven't changed
can't say the same, you've gone your way
you think too much, your time is up
i'll be a friend, just tell me when
if you're feeling okay
meet me underwater
i get eaten by the worms
and weird fishes
picked over by the worms
and weird fishes
weird fishes
weird fishes
yeah, i'll hit the bottom
the bottom and escape, escape
i can say that i've lived here in honor and danger
but i'm just an animal and cannot explain a life
down this chain of days, i wished to stay among my people
relation now means nothing, having chosen so defined
and if death should smell my breathing
as it pass beneath my window
let it lead me trembling, trembling
i own every bell that tolls me
learning to be human while bearing the cross of your past - short cassandra cain mix
i watch the lights on the ocean
i count the leaves on the trees
if it wasn′t for your indecision
there'd be nothing between you and me
losing control to stay under
fighting and screaming down walls
worry has made you a martyr
washed up and left for the birds
i'm holding on, holding on
i'm holding on to a straw
who is the alpha
and what is made of cloth
how do you say you're sorry and there's nothing
to be afraid of?
oh those glowing eyes
above the rocking chair
a steady stare
an undeniable sign
dust unsettled by the sigh
the silent poltergeist
drumming out a morse code message
on her ribcage bones
she sits beside the telephone
she hears a heartbeat in the dial-tone
love, love is a verb
love is a doing word
fearless on my breath
gentle impulsion
shakes me, makes me lighter
fearless on my breath
teardrop on the fire
fearless on my breath
but not so far
i keep waiting for the shoe to drop
waiting for the axe to fall
and it will happen
this i know
just not so far
today i feel like dancing
i never fell like dancing
it's like even the weather suits my mood
my entire soul is ringing
still, i can′t accept it
i keep looking for the thing to bring me down
though i can't explain my reasons to you
i think we are the same
now i find that i'm thigh deep
too young for the worst of my mind
you whispered behind me
"if i may make so bold"
call it young and wild
but i ran a mile in a minute and there's no going back
true words that i should know
blood on my hands
when you looked around i couldn't be found
a crime's a crime, i'll have to pay
dawn breaks overhead
i'm not the girl you thought i was, but i am close (close enough)
was it something that i said
is it the way i stood so still and never moved
now every dirty dish is in a mood, and so are you
he's not on our side, but i could save you if you'd like
just let me in there, past that high chair
and i will dwell in every crane i see, the holy pleasures spoke to me
like someone's gonna preach once i am gone
i want to believe that you've got a good heart
oh i want to believe that you've got a good heart
some days, i'm only fueled by my mistakes
i turn around and slyly try to hide my face
i feel as though
i have to think everything through
i don't know how i am to act or how to move
every day's another way to feel
it's your own decision what is real
so try them out, all the different ways to play the game
and work it out, try not to want to be the same
just another life to live
just a word to say
just another love to give
and a diamond day
vague and troubled songs about tara markov. content warning for themes of sexual abuse and trauma
falling for the creep, the body leech, here he comes
vicious hypnosis, clenched fist saying it's wrong
to want more than a folk song
underneath the shaker knit, he's a brick wall
she keep falling for the trick, vegetarian sing-along
give a little kick with your fine thigh-high
do-do-do, we're on to you
tearing her down, talking her down under your breath
making a mess
see, she is happy you wanna break it
when your chest starts to
starts to get real tight
remember the good things
breathe in the belly
remember santa cruz
remember yosemite
before the tempest came
destroyed everything
destroyed everything
destroyed every
see how everything's so shiny
but with sand intact
you're self relied
there's always a place
for a seminal place of time
i'm not defined
misery sure has a place for me
try for the right kind of life
i only wish that you'd had a chance to decide
have a look around you, there's no one there
how can you call this fair?
and it was such a really cold hand
i held as the wind sighed
"i'm not going & how could i lie?"
just be glad there's no way back there
i need another look at before
though heaven knows how i'd ever
make my way back there
though i know it's hopeless
and i realise it's nowhere
hell here on my own
i fell into the street, poison in my veins
clambered to my feet and into the night again
back to my home, back to my owner
who screams at my tardiness
put his hands to the sky
put his hand on my shirt
hand on my face,
head to the wall
when you've broken your only doll
and what will you do with a girl
if she refuses to be alive?
you were caring, you had honest eyes
you were perfect, the perfect surprise
til your hands crept up my chest
and gave a stronghold on my neck
you said baby it's true, i'm leaving you
i learn my name
i write with a number two pencil
i work up to my potential
i earn my name
i come when called
i jump when you circle the cherry
i sing like a good canary
i come when called
i come, that's all
send it up on fire
death before dawn
send it up on fire
death before dawn
they never really knew it then
how to do it when
he had her
they never really knew it then
how to do it with
the safety off the trigger
if loneliness comes crashing in, you can hold me, it's okay
if she makes you feel so empty, you can hurt me, it's okay
and if maybe she decides to stay
we can dance to songs that she will play
somehow there's a ship inside a bottle
and a mountain in a picture frame.
for every open window there's a suitcase
being packed and emptied out again.
there's a spider in the medicine cupboard
and the walls are full of mice again
big open land,
you hold the weight of the air in your hands
big open air,
you feel the tickle of the trees on your chest
why'd you go and waste it
the things that you know
are making you a stone wall, stone fence
your stories so old you just tend to keep them
long winding road,
you've got a secret but you won't share it
around the house by the sea
the scent of roses and raspberry leaves
and there is smoke in my clothes
too much time with just smoke in my nose
and i've been making the meaning they lack
and i've been burning that book they come back too
and i've been living to run where they led
and i've been dying to rise from their bed
and i've been sparing my neck from their chain
and they've been changing the sound of my name
and i've been swimming to them in my sleep
and i've been dreaming our love and our freedom
lady left me here underneath this old oak tree
she made me a bed of roots and leaves
with a trembling voice she sung me to sleep
said dream, dream, dream, dream, sweet dreams
dark was the night, cold the ground
i heard voices all around
sign of storm, fallen in dawn
my little soul is now free and unbound
it's nights like these
i'm not distracted by the sound.
i sit for hours in a chair inside my head.
there's one more in the attic.
if i brought it down,
you think you'd like to join me, tonight?
and so my dreams,
they fill me up.
they bring me down
and the dry me up.
when i'm with you though,
smiling, as i know
i only have so long
before the sun will rise.
if your body gives away underneath the weight of the world,
its unforgiving hands pull, clench all the life from us all,
and it takes and it takes
be a rose in this wasteland
you could bloom if you opened up your heart
i know you've got it figured out
tell me what i am all about
and i just might learn a thing or two
hundred about you, maybe about you
i'm the end of your telescope
i don't change just to suit your vision
'cause i am bound by a fraying rope
around my hands, tied around my hands
and you close your eyes when i say i'm breaking free
and put your hands over both your ears
because you cannot stand to believe i'm not
the perfect girl you thought
well what have i got to lose
let me reveal your secret:
the face beneath your mask is terrifying
show it to everyone for me
should i tear my eyes out now?
everything i see returns to you, somehow
should i tear my heart out now?
everything i feel returns to you, somehow
i want to save you from your sorrow
kiss the clever one who said
you made your bed
now lie in it, die in it
kiss the shit, that hit the fan
when you went and killed
another man
there’s a devil in my brain with a pitchfork and a flame
yeah, he likes to poke around and he likes to tell me things
and whenever i begin to feel like i might be deranged
i remember there’s a little shitty devil in my brain
and i want an answer
to all my problems
there's not an answer
i am the problem for me now and always
i will break my own bones
and i feel nothing, not sane
it's a hard day for dreaming again
i'm not going back to the assholes that made me
and the perfect display of random acts of hopelessness
i wish i could stay here
but i think we're all ready, i think we're all ready
once you're found
no longer gagged and bound
whisper to me "i think i'm free"
and the world will turn round
sleepless, growing late,
i listen to your breath,
carrying words i can’t forgive,
and thoughts i can’t handle,
that will eventually thin,
and surely be forgotten.
but i’ll occasionally remember,
and ask you;
is there really any deeper happiness,
than hate itself?
i am a thief of unimportant things
i am a cheat and i can’t do anything to stop myself
i have no code, there is no road i’m traveling down
there’s only footprints leading away from the windowsill
and i know one day hell will catch up with me
and i'm sure that i will burn eternally
one day it will come to claim its pound of flesh
when it's done, there won't be anything left
songs that soundtracked my 2021 summer. longer entry here, cover photo by agnes su on flickr.
where would i be?
and what would you be?
then zip it up and just follow me
i’m addicted to shining and glowing
you gon be addicted to my eyes
who's running the show
i want to be me, the answer is simple
i’m following my heart now
are you surprised? it’s like bubblegum pop
because i broke all the rules
because i’m going to show you the real me
really really me, i’m a cherry on top yeah
i just wanna be free
ain’t no way you stopping me
said i wanted to fly
so i went and got some wings
and i don’t
don’t need you
to act like you gone hold me down
cause i won’t
believe you
no one can touch me now
bitch i'm on top now, where your funds at?
click click pow, where your guns at?
show y'all really how to do it, bitch, bump that
i'm the queen of this shit, bitch, fuck that
ruby red, bright, bright
diamonds on shine, should be legally blind
the smile pearl white, white
diamonds on shine if i ever can't find 'em
party with my tears
swayin' with my fears, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
let 'em dry, get me high, i'll get by if i'm gettin' love, yeah
let 'em dry, get me high, i get by with a little love
now give me
pills and potions and terrible things
heart on the floor when the telephone rings
all of the lies, i just wanna believe
drop all my morals, i just wanna sin
ooooh, sire, lie next to me
so i can peek at ya before you wake
ooooh, my love, my luxury's right here if you want
you want to stay
let me in your world
you know what i spy?
spy you looking lonely, ya know boy that's why
i wanna be your lady
your l-l-l-love, my l-u-x-u-r-,aye ya know what i would
if i could, if i could, if i could
you said you're always on my side
but what if my side has changed too much?
then tell me, who am i?
you said you're always on my side
but what if my side has lived too long?
something has to die
who am i?
from now on
i’ll love myself, instead of you, i’ll live on
take another step
to hold myself, and give myself all
and i wonder, is it better to get it over with?
the illusion, can shatter before we begin
if you're really sorry
happy second chance, think i could forgive
this time you won't leave me sinking