date posted: 2021-07-03
summary: It's funny, she thinks, that this is what she feels might push her over.
word count: 426 words
notes: when smy became the team h2 captain in december, i was happy for her, but i also was worried, knowing how much she overworks herself and carries everything she can on her back. and i've been thinking about what her feelings might've been during that time, even right after she was told of her promotion, so then this happened lol
some snh stuff might be inaccurate since i'm not always up to date on stuff, sorry about that
The clatter of the rain against her umbrella was almost louder than the thumping in her chest.
It's funny, she thinks, that this is what she feels might push her over.
She's always thought herself to be quite resilient. She's proud of how hard she works, has worked to get where she is, and how she's weathered so much, to be where she is, to survive what she's been through, in this group.
And yet, as she puts her weight on her heels, tries not to slip on the glistening sidewalk, blinks twice to make sure her eyes don't dry from the hardened air; somehow, this might be too much for her.
Popularity is one thing. The responsibility that comes with popularity is tenuous, Shen Mengyao has always been conscious of that, as she rose in the ranks, as she ranked higher on pocket, the election. As the fundraising of her fans grew higher in membership, in goals, in ambition. The conflict, too. The drama that comes with the exposure. The exposure of the personal. The strained, twisted grip the fans have on you, your status, your friendships. Relationships. Their support, their expectations, and the power over you they bring.
The overhead lights glow on the puddles, and with a glance, she notices the rain's turned to a heavier snow, how cold her limbs have become. Her chest pounds in her ears.
The pressure of popularity comes mainly from the fans. What they expect of you, how much they support you, how thin, shaky, and yet stifling, that support is. The consequences of that popularity.
But, she thinks, approaching the station, the signs and their lights in her eyes, leadership is another thing.
Shen Mengyao is well aware of her team's reputation. After all, she realizes, squinting her eyes at the times on the train schedules, she was at the heart of the team's pressures, not too long ago. She remembers well the times of the past years. She remembers well, how her troubles almost tore the team apart. How her relationships were at the center of the group, not long ago.
If the pressures of popularity come from the fans, then the pressures of leadership come from the fans and her peers.
The train rocks as she steps on, vision blurring, and she takes in a sharp breath, trying to steady herself, her thoughts.
Popularity is one thing, leadership another. And, she thinks, being the center, of a team that almost fell from the fallout of her own shortcomings, will be what does her in.
notes: i imagine after this she would've gotten home, sat down, and get right away to burying all these feelings and start thinking about how she needs to lead the team now, lol. or something along those lines