date posted: 2024-03-02
summary: So this is it, then / you're here to win, friend.
word count: 563 words
notes: a reaction to ichioka reina's graduation from the perspective of an idol who's seen a lot. second person point of view, pretty meta and kinda pseudo intellectual
You're always grieving.
It started from the beginning: you finally made it, made it into Morning Musume, the legendary group, even when they were at their lowest. The ninth generation were the start of a new era. The colorful era came and went. People came and went.
You could name them, but it's not necessary. We all know the names.
But:
Niigaki was an idol to you in the truest sense. You worshipped at the altar of her, bus tours and everything. You saw Morning Musume. written on her cheek in her final music video, watched the pre-production clip of it through a camera on the set, as she smiled wistfully, bittersweet, knew it was the end of things for her, the end of her time in the group, the end of her time as an idol. The end of Niigaki Risa, the idol.
Fourteen years since debut. Twelve years since Niigaki. One year since Kaga. Six months since Fukumura. One day since Ichioka.
You found yourself writing, that BEYOOOOONDS were like colored pencils, each unique and shining in their own way. It's cheesy, the metaphor, the words used. You knew that.
Being an idol means to commit. You know that, fourteen years down the line. You know that, with the longest tenure in Hello! Project. You know that, being next in line, after Fukumura, at the top now, after Fukumura and Michishige. You're next.
But you're not, are you?
There's always someone before you. There's always a Kaga, a Morito, a Sato.
Ichioka. Niigaki.
You see and witness and watch. You're always watching. You're always losing.
But in losing, you win more: your tenure the longest, now, your leadership close to being confirmed and publicized.
In losing, you win. In grieving, you come out on top. You succeed. You watch.
Green, they gave you, lime green, but still green. Green with envy, maybe. Jealousy, envy, that they can end it on their own terms.
But, no. They can't. You know that full well, as you watch girls come and go, younger than you, or near your age. You watch their health decline behind closed doors, behind the cameras, watch them struggle to keep food down, struggle to stand, constantly in pain from their conditions. You watch them face the inevitable every day, face their pain, stare down the barrel of graduation, until it eventually shoots them down, both the pain and the graduation, cutting them loose from the strings of the industry and cutting them free from its burdens.
Niigaki was also green. Yellow green, lime green, but it all comes down to the same shade.
You think, now, as you've watched Ichioka crumble since December, that Niigaki was one of the lucky ones. She got lucky, ending it on her own terms, her final music video spotlighting her at the end, the group's legacy squeezed onto her cheek and embraced in her smile, bittersweet, knowing it was the end but having accepted it, having had time to accept it, after a decade.
You, Ikuta Erina, Eripon, whatever they choose for you — you know that'll be you, someday.
Fourteen years in, at the top, winning over losing, winning in grieving, you wonder when your ending will come.
You wonder if that ending will come happily, peacefully. If you'll be one of the lucky ones.
It's always you, watching. Waiting.
You're always grieving.