date posted: 2022-08-25
summary: “You ever think about how you could be a serial killer if you really wanted to?”
“What?”
word count: 3,921 words
He wasn’t surprised in the slightest to find Okumura at the end of the hallway, rubbing at his eyes and listlessly staring ahead. Renzou found that Okumura wasn’t focused on much of anything lately – not after that confrontation with Order goons last week. A group that Renzou was a part of, on a mission to collect intel on an Illuminati facility, and Renzou hadn’t a clue as to why he was assigned on a mission like that, let alone with Bon, of all people, but he sure as shit knew why Okumura was closest to the frontlines from the sidelines enough to be noticed. Renzou doesn’t blame the other for keeping his distance after such an awkward encounter. Yeesh.
But the guy looks way more out of it than usual this morning. Exhaustion, maybe? Not like he’d know if Okumura was too busy punching walls to sleep or stuck with his thoughts and the ceiling above him. Well, those are things that’ve kept up Renzou, at least, so he’s probably projecting. Could be a lack of coffee, or whatever concoction the guy used to keep himself awake – Renzou could’ve sworn he witnessed Okumura stealthily pouring an energy drink into his thermos one morning at the old boy’s dorm when he met with Rin in the morning for some long-forgotten school project. Before, well, all this.
Not much else to do but speculate, Renzou figures – nothing at all, in fact. No classes, stuck at the Illuminati on some vague “spying” mission for Mephisto and no mission from the Illuminati themselves lately. Sir Pheles told him to monitor Okumura. The usual. Nothing’s been up with the guy since shit hit the fan, so he figures he can take it easy for a while, especially after that whole Order confrontation.
Actually, Renzou may be the unfocused one here, because it’s almost as if he blinked and found himself at the opposite end of that hallway. Kinda hard to tell the difference though, same sterile walls and all, but he’s stalked around this facility long enough to sort of know his way, find his footing. And thanks to his hard-earned spy skills, he also knows when someone’s approaching.
He doesn’t bother to turn around and acknowledge Okumura because he knows him well enough that Okumura knows he’s aware that he’s there. Bit of a tongue twister for his head. But Okumura does what he does best lately – besides pulling a gun out, pulled trigger or not – and says something strange to break the silence.
“I thought you’d be on a mission by now,” Said with all the interest of a cat briefly squinting at you in the afternoon before walking away. Guy didn’t even look up from the floor to say that. But Renzou knows the weirder part is Okumura caring about any sort of mission of his. Could be something to do with the Order shit from last time though. Jeez, that’s really hanging over him. Maybe it’s bothering Okumura too.
But he simply blinked at the words. “No calls from either side. Just the usual business, ‘stay on the lookout’ and all. Y’know, spy speak for ‘nothing interesting to do right now so you get a de-facto vacation,’” and left off with a shrug.
He also left out the part where classes are still out for the time being because the government hasn’t figured out a solution to the whole more people can see demons now and you can’t exactly run classes through that. Okumura’s probably aware anyway, but in that subconscious space where you absolutely, definitely do not want to be reminded of something you abandoned for the sake of running to a cult and doing fuck-all. Renzou may like to push buttons, but he’s not purposefully antagonistic, at least most of the time.
To his credit, Okumura seemed to see right through it – and to Renzou’s slight surprise, after all the apathy from him today, Okumura didn’t miss a beat: “I’m sure you have some sort of underlying mission from Mephisto. You never don’t. Not since you took up the job, I’m sure,” He was side-eyeing Renzou with that one, even through one eye. Not hard to determine what he really means there.
But Renzou didn’t expect him to go for the throat so soon in the conversation, so he’s a bit taken aback. Laughs it off. “Yeah, yeah, those are the other words for ‘stay on the lookout,’ but the higher-ups like to keep it subtle. There’s always subtext behind orders, y’know?” He’s a bit flustered from that. Bit too early in the morning for this.
He thinks about walking away and forgetting about it before Okumura beats him to the punch, starts to walk down the empty hallway – besides the unquestioned guards around the strange doors, at least – at a slow pace. Almost felt like Okumura sensed his growing restlessness. He’s definitely more coordinated than usual – again, too early for this. Okumura doesn’t seem much different though. Always put-together, always on guard, even when he’s been so unfocused lately.
Renzou finds himself following the guy. Nothing much else to do besides continuing to overthink him – might as well mindlessly talk instead of speculate. Okumura’s quiet again, though. Staring at the shiny floor again, face unexpressive again. Something’s up.
Renzou swerves, as always. Closer to prodding, perhaps.
“You’ve asked me what I’ve been up to, or rather what I haven’t been up to. Seems you haven’t been doing much of anything either though. What’re you stewing about, huh?” Okumura stills. Maybe a bit too far. That’s kind of his thing though.
“Nothing important enough for your mission,” He bites out. This one’s succinct. Not much of a shock after what Renzou said before. But Okumura keeps walking, so Renzou keeps going.
“You followed me over here and are walking with me for a reason, aren’t you? Or well, that makes it sound like you have a motive. Maybe you just want to talk. I don’t mind,” Definitely too early for this. He’s backtracking in the same sentence he’s prodding, all while walking with the guy. Can’t make up his mind, but in his defense, Okumura can’t either – if this were last week, he would’ve already stormed off. Something’s keeping the guy here.
Clearly, though, it’s not enough to get him to talk. He’s looking down, again, barely even rolling his eyes. The guy has to be exhausted if the only anger he’s got right now is so subtle in his words. It’s out so often lately that Renzou expects it from every interaction with anyone. Can’t blame him though, especially after recent events – recent in the grand scheme of things, he figures, and not only from the more recent ordeal.
Renzou stops prodding. If Okumura’s refusing to admit the real reason he’s here after all of Renzou’s pushing, he’s not gonna get it out of him anytime soon. Might as well enjoy the company before Okumura decides it’s enough for him. Maybe that’s what he wanted in the first place. Seems to hurt too much to say that at all, though. Figures.
He hears Okumura hit the floor with a thud before he opens the door, and isn’t surprised to see the guy breathing heavily with his arms braced against the floor. He’s been at it for a while, as far as Renzou can tell, with Okumura having disappeared into the training room around the corner a couple hours ago when Renzou passed by – his mission and all, monitoring – and Renzou has little reason to believe Okumura actually took a break longer than thirty seconds.
Okumura looks alert and exhausted at the same time, with how he stills at the sound of the door opening, but doesn’t do much more than sit up. At least, until he actually recognizes Renzou’s presence by word than just action.
“What’re you here for?”
“What’re you trying to prove?” Renzou hasn’t been known to wait before making a quip.
“Fuck off.” Okumura didn’t miss a beat there. Unsurprising given his behavior lately, or lack thereof. Renzou’s a little tired of the long game, with how their little interactions over the week have all gone the same way – Renzou prods, Okumura shows bottom line resistance, they hang out a bit longer, and then Okumura decides he’s done and walks away or whatever.
He even left mid-conversation a couple times. Renzou can’t help but feel a bit worried at that, as amusing as it is that this is the same guy that used to restrict his outward frustration to snark – at least towards anyone not his brother. Renzou knew he always had it in him, though. Wasn’t very difficult to notice after witnessing his arguments with Rin or Kirigakure-sensei or others. The bottle cap eventually bursts after a while.
Renzou shrugs in response, as per usual. Okumura’s gotten up to get a bottle of water or something and Renzou can’t help but notice his guns are in the corner of the room. Wonder what led him to that – he knows for sure Okumura hates being defenseless, though knowing him, he probably has something else besides a firearm that can be used as a weapon. It may not be on him right now, but that lab coat’s baggy enough to hold at least a couple knives or something. Renzou would have fun trying it out in his place, but he’s stuck with the same tight uniform. Could it hold a couple knives? That’s something to try out another time, if he’s bored enough.
He decides to break the silence with something that doesn’t have an ulterior motive for a change. Renzou thinks he’s pretty good at small talk, but these days, it’s been a lot of prodding and silence over anything else. If Okumura prefers to stew and bite out insults instead of giving him any real answers as to why he’s more distant than usual, then there’s no point in wasting energy on pushing things.
He sighs and notices those guns across the room again, dull red against the reflective tile floor, and slides down to the floor.
“You ever think about how you could be a serial killer if you really wanted to?”
“What?” Okumura hissed that one out. Seems a little taken aback by it. He keeps going.
“I don’t know. Pretty much anyone in our line of work can do that if they want, but you have like, close to military training with the guns and all. Hard to be a serial killer if your specialty lies in taming demons over wielding guns and all,” he leaves off.
“What are you insinuating?” Okumura’s doing that side-eye again. Renzou doesn’t blame him for trying to find an ulterior motive here.
“Nothing, really. Just some thoughts. There’s nothing else interesting to think about lately.”
Okumura shifts his weight and blinks away from Renzou’s gaze as soon as he looked towards him. To Renzou’s surprise, he actually goes ahead with this. “A tamer could easily kill a crowd of people if they had the means to. Firearms and familiars aren’t very different if your familiar is powerful enough,” he remarks. Almost seems second nature. Renzou snickers and runs with the conversation thread.
“You seem genuinely interested in the topic there. Hey, you and me use guns and demons each, we’d be a great serial killer team,” and a grin splits his face at that. Okumura seems to tense up a moment before squinting towards him, again.
“If I were to be a serial killer, I’d sooner operate alone than work with you,” he forces out.
At that, Renzou has to put a hand to his chest, grinning even wider, “Oh, I’m wounded by that, Okumura, we’d be so good killing people as a team! You’d be missing out on so much,” he chuckles at that last part, hand on his chest balling in front of his chin. Okumura’s zeroing in on him, giving him some wary once-over, but Renzou notices he’s not scowling as much as before.
Renzou counts on the fact that Okumura was different before -- when he used to light up at Moriyama’s ramblings about her garden, smile at Bon’s regular high marks, chuckle at even the most half-assed wisecracks from his brother. Before Renzou came and encouraged him to let the anger consume him to this point, a point even he didn’t anticipate. Even at his most inward, Okumura at least responded to people’s efforts with something other than apathy or anger. Renzou may not be the best at this, but he rationalizes it as him being the only person here to care even the slightest about this.
So he sighs in the new silence, looks up again, and notices Okumura looking away from him, but with a bit of a half-hearted smile. Maybe closer to an unwilling smile, more reluctant, but Renzou takes it as a win, as he observes Okumura walking across to and sitting on the floor by the wall to Renzou’s right.
He wonders if that was deliberate, as the wall at the other end of the room, from where Renzou’s sitting, was a little closer to Okumura. Maybe he didn’t want to be in Renzou’s constant sight, maybe all he wanted Renzou to see of him was from the corner of his eye. He can psychoanalyze Okumura’s actions all day, but it’s giving him a headache already. He leans his head against the wall and stares up at the ceiling, looking away from Okumura, when he hears an inhale from him.
“Why did you come in here?” He looks down again, back at Okumura, and accidentally meets his gaze, before looking towards his lap and closing his eyes.
“Was wondering where you went after seeing you in the halls this morning, I guess. And no offense, but even with this building’s weird lab room walls, it’s not hard to overhear someone punching the crap out of a dummy in front of them,” he says, hoping he didn’t give away too much. He wonders if Okumura’s still looking at him.
There’s a sigh, and then he looks up, seeing Okumura looking away from him. His expression looks a little uncertain, but it’s hard to determine from this angle. Sitting by that wall must’ve been deliberate on Okumura’s end, but now that he thinks about it, Okumura usually doesn’t do things without meaning. At least that’s how he used to roll, before all of this.
Okumura has his hands on the floor beside him, and he looks pensive as he turns his head back towards Renzou’s general direction.
“There’s nothing for me here,” he confesses. Renzou’s still looking at him, almost staring as Okumura brings his hands together and mindlessly cracks his knuckles.
“What do you mean?” Renzou breathes out, “I mean, I kind of get it, it’s hard finding anything to do in a cult, but you know, you make it work,” he throws together. He’s caught off guard by Okumura’s words, and he’s proud of his ability to improvise conversations on the spot, but it comes up empty when they get… personal. Closer to home.
“But I don’t know. I don’t make it work. I burned my bridges only to find myself punching dummies and taking apart and putting together my damn guns. It’s all I know, the practice, the training,” He forces out, again, but even heavier than before.
Okumura looks away from Renzou again, expression unreadable as he tries to relax himself from the sudden tension.
“I know what they want from me, of me. From you too. But I know that’s also true of the Order. I don’t fit there anymore, but I didn’t want to fit here in the first place,” he tightens his hand into a fist, giving up on releasing tension. “All I have here is what I can give. But I’m done giving. I don’t fit in the Order, I don’t want to give anything more to this place,” he grits out, and then sighs, fist releasing and falling to the floor.
“I don’t belong anywhere anymore. You and I both know that.”
Renzou doesn’t know how to respond to that. Any of it, really. He never thought he’d hear any of this from Okumura, not in a million years. And it has him thinking, again, if Okumura wanted anyone to hear this, let alone him. He could hear the reluctance in the venting, that he didn’t want to say it, but had to. It’s not hard to detect when Renzou’s been in the same position.
A couple memories come up of sleepless nights, mindless and reluctant talks with Koneko or even Bon to release his thoughts or to say something, anything. He thinks he knows the feeling too well, and it’s strange to see it reflected on Okumura, of all people.
He fiddles with his hands in his lap, going between analyzing Okumura in his head as always, or trying to think of an actual answer, before he leans his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling, again. He rests his hands and clears his head.
“I mean, I enjoy your company. Even when you’re being a dick the whole time. You hang out with me here for a reason, even if it’s probably because I’m the only person here you’re willing to stand next to for more than thirty seconds,” He leaves out the you have me at least, as much as he wants to get it out. He doesn’t look at Okumura, prepares for silence, but he hears otherwise as he closes his eyes.
“You enjoy my company because you have to. It’s your mission, your job,” the bite in his words is back, but he’s trying to keep his voice steady. A modicum of control.
Renzou tries the same – “You don’t have to believe what I say, because of the whole spy thing, I get it. But you don’t have to put words in my mouth. Believe me, this one time,” he opens his eyes again, looking down, then looking straight to center towards Okumura. He’s trying to crack his knuckles again without success, and Renzou notices how bruised they are. Not much of a surprise. But Okumura doesn’t look like he’s about to open up again with how this conversation’s gone. He switches gears.
“You’ve never been much of a puncher, right? Maybe I’m wrong. But hearing you beat the crap out of a dummy is new when you’re usually pulling triggers,” he tries for a lighter tone. Wonders if it’ll help lift the mood a bit. It’s a hard effort when dealing with Okumura.
Renzou scans the room, clinical walls and everything. No windows, one dummy, a radiator. Still cold despite that heater. There’s at least three water bottles in the corner, and he wonders how often Okumura’s been here on a regular basis, between the bottles and those bruised knuckles.
Okumura’s the type to keep things at arm’s length, even in fighting. The dummy is a bit strange in that context. But Okumura’s also talking again, just as unexpected as it was before, to hear a response to his own ramblings.
“It’s the easiest way to not think,” he breathes out. Renzou can’t agree more – though in his case, he finds less… bruising means of escapism.
Okumura’s looking at the floor, quiet again. He’s not scowling, but he has that same blank expression Renzou’s seen so often from him lately.
Renzou copies Okumura’s earlier motions, cracking his own knuckles. “I don’t get enough punching done. I’m too busy sneaking around walls and doing cool spy movie stuff to beat the crap out of things. Or people. Spies don’t get much real action,” he jokes.
He could bring up how exorcists have more active things to do, but that’s probably the last thing Okumura wants to hear – less because of how prone he is to angry outbursts at the slightest mention of the Order, but above all right now, more because of his venting from before. He doesn’t want an outburst, or to ruin his one chance at hearing anything from Okumura that isn’t apathy or anger.
More than anything, he realizes he wants something more than a chance – he wants to know Okumura again. He can psychoanalyze the guy all he wants, thinking about how far he’s getting, but that’s his spy side. He knows so much about Okumura – everything above being able to speak to him without being at constant arm’s length. He wonders if he’ll ever get to that point with him, but if he doesn’t, at least he has this.
The air is tense, room silent except for the slight hum of the radiator. He hears the scuff of Okumura’s boot before he sees Okumura bringing his knee up, out of a crossed-leg position. He’s thinking, maybe just as hard as Renzou always is about him.
Renzou stares up at the ceiling again, head to the wall, again. He’s talking before he can catch himself.
“I get that you’d probably rather sit in a room with Lucifer for five minutes than hang out with me more, but well, we both know there isn’t shit to do in a cult besides what you’d usually expect, and neither of us are into that,” he says, and realizes there’s everything to lose here, but he goes for it anyway.
“I said it before, but you always have me here, at least. If you want to do something, you can just… ask. Even if it’s walking around eye-searing hallways or sitting at that worshipper-filled cafeteria. There’s even my room, or your room. And I can tell you about all the secret hiding spots I’ve found in this hellhole. Just… you have options, y’know. More to do than beating the shit out of a dummy in a cold room.”
He doesn’t know what to think there, besides the silence-induced anxiety after saying all of that. Okumura probably felt the same after his vent. Lots of mutual feelings today. He waits for a response, but he sees a shrug from Okumura before that, and then a sigh.
Okumura’s looking at him again, eye contact and all. “I’ll… consider it,” is all he says. It’s an awkward response, but it’s more than Renzou expected. He feels just as awkward in light of his own words, but he notices the room is less tense, lighter in the air as much as it’s vulnerable, for Okumura and Renzou both.
If Okumura eventually closes himself off and isolates again, as before, Renzou won’t be surprised. But he’s a little optimistic that this might’ve changed things. He thinks and wonders, and eventually realizes that above anything else, today is enough for him. He decides to let the silence be, doesn’t anticipate a response, but doesn’t hope for one either. It’s a comfortable silence now, even with how vulnerable it is. Maybe even a content silence.
He figures Okumura feels the same way, as he doesn’t say anything more, instead looking pensive again. He wonders if he looks just as lost in thought as Okumura does right now, wonders if that’s how he always looks around Okumura with all the thinking he does when they’re together.
They both think a lot, he concludes. Renzou’s way in over his head with this, but that’s nothing new for him. He leaves the silence be and lets go of the anxiety he was holding onto like a lifeline. He sits in the same room as Okumura, and clears his head, eyes open towards the ceiling.