date posted: 2023-05-29
summary: Superheroes.
word count: 727 words
notes: originally written in around 2021, i just finished it up and decided to post it now since i found it in my files.
“It’s too real, sometimes.”
Moeka’s words were sobering, pulling Yui out of the haze she’d fallen into and clouded her vision. She’s always been good at that, she thinks – reminds her of times when her mind would stop right in its tracks, at the worst or best of times, and the weight of all of her doubts and concerns and fears would crash into her. Or the times when her head would crash into nothing, into a muddied untitled blur with little associations except the dread in her chest.
And in either situation, before she got the chance to pull herself out of it, to push it down and mute her feelings until the event or stage was over – Moeka would be there, those times, and smile at her, say something snarky or a joke that landed just off-balance enough to make Yui chuckle.
Those times, Moeka would pull her out of her sudden crash, and lift her spirits enough to make her forget about it for a bit.
Yui had always wondered if it was intentional on Moeka’s part – to get Yui out of her head for once and back to what they were doing – or if it came so naturally to her that it was just how she was, that saving people from their abrupt spirals into their deeply compartementalized feelings was just something she did unconciously, at this point.
But this time, Yui feels the sense of irony around the whole thing, as Moeka saves her from her thoughts (or lack of) once again, but this time with no glow to it, no heart. She watches Moeka shift her knees closer to her chest, tighten her grip on her arms, watches her face fall.
“Like, it’s fun at the events, on stage, in interviews. Being able to just, shift into this superhero persona, where I can sing and dance around and feel like I’m saving people. There’s just this magic to being an idol, that I saw in girls like Acchan and Mayuyu, and when I made it into the group too, I was so excited to be like them, to be able to smile and charm and heal the people around me. I loved it,” Moeka’s words pitched higher towards the end, her arms loosening and her hands sliding down to her ankles.
And Yui desperately wanted to look her in the eye, to say that she is like Acchan and Mayuyu. That her smile charmed thousands of fans so fast and charmed the management and charmed her groupmates, that her smile was what pulled Yui through so much sometimes, when the weight of her status and future suffocated her and left her choking on her hopelessness and doubt.
Moeka had always been the superhero from day one, saving AKB48 from itself, saving Yui from herself.
“But, just. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I wish I could just be the center alone, right? Without the scrutiny, an-and the stupid rules and expectations that always complicate things. I can’t do both, I can’t keep up with both. I’m so tired of it,” Moeka’s voice shook, and she let her head fall into her knees.
Yui opened her mouth to speak but Moeka continued, and Yui hoped the other wouldn’t make her worst fear a reality, hoped that she could keep pushing down that feeling more and keep telling herself it isn’t true, it won’t be, Moeka has time, they have time.
“I just can’t keep doing it. I wish I could keep performing and making people happy, but it’s never enough, no matter what I do. I’ve tried my best as an idol, I’ve gotten higher in the group than some girls ever would as members for longer than I’ve been. And I’m proud of that, I’m proud of everything I’ve done to get here. I mean, this stuff is hard, we both know that. Maybe everyone has a point when they say I was just given this by management, but I’ve tried so hard to get here, and I’m proud of it, you know?”
Yui’s wordless, quiet, as Moeka leans her head on her shoulder. Yui has her head against the wall, looking straightforward, but she glances at Moeka, sees the barely concealed tears in her eyes. Yui puts a hand on her back, rubbing in slow circles.
She keeps her touch light, fleeting.